"for you and for me the highest moment, the keenest joy, is not when our minds dominate but when we lose our minds..."


"for me, the adventures of the mind, each inflection of thought, each movement, nuance, discovery is an immense source of exhilaration."


"love is the axis and breath of my life. the art i produce is a byproduct, an excrescence of love, the song i sing, the joy which must explode, the overabundance -- that is all!"

i need a palm top.. or whatever gadget that's handy. fits my hand perfectly. not so small cause i might risk losing it. not too large cause it'll be ugly since its huge! desperately need somewhere i can pen my thoughts down(they come out irregularly and it can get really annoying when i don't have a pen and paper to write what goes through my head at that moment in time) a device that i can carry around. my own trusty companion! i can choose to carry a small notebook along with a pen everywhere i go(which i tried once or twice before) and that failed cause i have a sickening habit of hating reading what i write. it's my horrible handwriting! i can't seem to get pass the fact that at times, i might write crookedly while on the bus or waste time trying to perfect how i write the words on the line whilst trying hard to balance centre of equilibrium, the movement of the bus and my unstable bus. and no, i'm not suffering from parkinson's disease. might be dying a slow and painful death for all i know.

anyways, i wrote this down on my handphone a couple days back. do it all the time. think it's the most convenient device that i have currently. so, here goes.

cigarette boxes are an irony. cigarette makers and distributors, and that includes those people who allow them to be sold, are a mass of contradictions. they simply can't make up their mind. whether to stop people from buying cigarettes or take preventive precautions to curtail the increasing amount of smoke-related deaths yet at the same time not to jeopardise their commercial gains. so, i ask anyone, what is the purpose of having photos of bleeding brains or puffy-looking lungs on the cigarette boxes, when the item is still on the shelves?

to scare people not to buy it?

then why are they still producing nicotine?

not to lose a section of the profit-making machine, perhaps?

note: i'm not against smoking. i just don't get the packaging(?) manufacturing(?) production(?) process of cigarettes. especially the part where they put photos to 'scare' people not to buy the cigarettes but d.u.m.b. as they are, they know people are still going to continue buying it anyway so they'll go, 'heck. let's act like we care about their well-being as long as they continue smoking, we'll be a-ok' .

or maybe they're just leaving it up to us to decide whether or not we might get terrified by the prospects of ending like what the picture illustrates. personally, i think, whatever the motive is, it's redundant.

i have a life! indeed i do. evidence? i'm able to have fun, fun, fun at pretzie's bdae party and ina's too! yahoo! but first, i'm meeting my fc, the ying to my yang. i miss her so. argh. what will i do without you? ooh, and then i'm off for a shopping spree with my aunt. my shopping/movie/do-crazy-stuff-with kaki! soon. very soon. it's our graduation high-tea thingy at fort canning. i'm getting all jittery at the mention of this. wonder why? hehe.. not forgetting, my birthday! man, i'm shameless. hell. it's my writing space. go scoot if you disagree. my birthday always fall during the examination period. this time round, no exams. but hell no. not getting away scot-free. it's the fasting period. argh! noo.. why..? it's alright. shall compensate that with a few advance birthday gifts and celebrations way ahead of time. cool.

my mother is seriously testing me.. she's seeing how far it'll go till i finally go bonkers. not that she's doing it on purpose. oh no.. my mummy loves me! and no.. she's not sadistic. she just does it at times. argh! it's oh-so-natural for her to have the, 'oops.. did i say that?' moments. or the 'eh, i didn't thought of that earlier' and she'll go 'sorry' and gives you that endearing smile. how can you get angry at the sight of that? so, i opt for frustration. and how do i handle my frustration? (i) scream out real loud. doesn't matter what you're saying. (no vulgarities please) as long as you get it out of your system, it'll do. (ii) grab your handphone and message someone. anyone! those that can tahan your rantings lah. provided that they bother to reply you. if they don't. you have a whole new reason to get frustrated about. yay! what a way to spice things up! (iii) start singing! heck if it's out of tune, make it even louder.

the other day while watching hi5.. yes, i do watch that kids show and no, i'm not ashamed to proclaim that, i do, i do, i do watch hi5 and i enjoy it oh-so-much! tee hee hee.. go ask wee wee.. he watches it too! we have so much fun singing to the songs, learning about colours and shapes. thanks tim, charli, nathan, kellie and kathleen. i love you guys! you know.. sometimes.. i catch myself twirling around, raising my hands, swaying my hips as i sing along to the songs. then i go.. 1, 2, 3, 4! HI 5! 1, 2, 3, 4! HI 5! jumping to and fro like a toad. yippee doodle doo! seriously, was thinking to myself.. how can the guys of hi5 dance around in funny-looking costumes and not look like a bunch of gay guys prancing to the tune of 'ymca'? man, they're talented. still think tim is cute. and he make a mean disc jockey. though i think it's dorky.

maybe. it's a feeling of ambiguity.

feelings. it starts of with the maybe(s) and maybe not(s)?

maybe it's nothing
maybe it's all just in my mind
maybe I'm foolish
maybe it's just a waste of time

you know it. cause you can feel it. but you dismiss it in the hopes of seemingly being all nonchalant about it. like you couldn't care less. like it's no big deal. LIAR. who are you kidding here?

then you realise.. what's the use of holding it all inside? and you're certain that it's something.

but I don't think so
maybe I definitely know
that maybe
maybe I'm in..

but there's still a maybe there..

the 'maybe, maybe not' period may be frustrating and all you want to do is yell, 'is it a YES or a NO dammit?' but if the person is worth the wait, why not?

feminism is a fraud. neither do i believe in it nor do i approve of it. why? cause it's a shitload of crap. i need a true blue feminist to look me in the eye and explain her cause for indulging in feminism proving me wrong; that it does exist in this world. if i'm moved, then maybe i might reconsider my stand towards the whole concept. if not, heck. it's bullshit.

i personally feel that the accurate word to use is independence. and this, mind you, applies to both genders. i mean BOTH! no biasness here. being able to carry yourself in a position where others admire you for the way you are. not being dependent on others. doing things your way without.. i repeat. without seeking additional help. the key word here is additional. hell. if you really need help. go ask. not saying you have to restrain yourself from admitting that you can't handle something on your own. that's lame. and no, you're not admitting defeat or making yourself look like a weakling.

in the case of females, do not scream and yell, 'girl power' or whatever crap that you guys love to do without actually making it believable. the phrase here is, 'practice what you preach'. what's the point of your girl powerness when you go, 'heavy! carry for me..' *flutters eyes at the guy beside you* in this example, imagine girl carrying her schoolbag. are you malnourished or something? had too little to feed your nimble bones? too feeble to carry your own weight even? i'm exaggerating here but do you guys get the picture?

know what i think? if you're saying, 'here's to feminism' or whatever shit. prove it. just don't say it. cause i ain't buying it.

in the case of males, don't strut your chest and proclaim 'men are the supreme rulers of earth'. i meant men as in the guys. the boys. the retards. (hehe.. can't help but be mean here. sorry guys!) not man generally. that's weak. cause you need reassurance to satisfy your male ego. which happens to be humongous, i must say. it's true we need you guys around when the lightbulb goes off or the pipes burst or something. but remember, we co-exist. you guys need us as much as we need you. so shut the f up about the whole 'women-can't-live-without-men' shit. cause it applies to you too. there you have it.

question: is there such a thing called masculinism?

came up with this.

when you feel a certain fondness towards an individual, there is this tendency to think about them at the slightest mention of a word or a similar recognition that reminds you of them.

it's like an obsession that doesn't spawn into a catastrophe.

a fascination that reeks of sentiments.

if it feels right, deep down inside you'll know it.

but being human, you sought for a sign to solidify the feelings that you have towards the person.

things may not make sense but what counts is the knowledge that you matter to them as much as they mean to you.

at the end of the day, you'll ponder what will become of you two and the probability that you might fall deep into the abyss of emotions is almost likely.

karl urban is the most hottest 'russian' guy! initially, it was marat safin. but he's too hot-headed. and besides, he loves smashing tennis rackets. i personally feel that's a waste of loads of money. he could prolly offer me the racket before destroying it cause i'd love to sell it off. anyways, on the topic of karl. he's smoking hot in the bourne supremacy. have you guys watch it? wasn't too keen in watching it cause of a certain franke potente who someone thinks is hot. but to my glee, her character lasted for first 15 minutes of the movie and then kapoot. i went, 'she's gone?! she's gone?!' muahaha.. but gotta admit that she does look good.. not. so yeah, karl enters the screen. i was like 'whoa.. have i seen you before?' tall, dark and handsome. that's karl. no. it's vaako. ok, whatever. he has this presence that is undescribable. he didn't even have to talk for me to go goo-goo ga-ga. well, he was ruthless and merciless. i guess it's the 'bad boy' appeal. can't seem to run away from it. think they have a magnetism tool of somekind that i'm able to sense. he looks good.. that stern face quip with a very convincing russian accent nonetheless. at the end, i sympathise with him. and he's supposed to be the villian! oh ya, the reason why he looks familiar is cause i've seen him before in ghostship and lord of the rings. and maybe xena too.

anyhows, the movie is a must-watch for those who
- saw bourne identity and thought it was a fantastic movie
- read the bourne books
- just wants to catch a thriller
- think that matt damon is hot
- think that franka potente is hot too
- is wondering how hot karl urban really is

note: i was talking to myself 'mentally' cause (1) i was sitting alone - the girl in front of me had a huge head and i could not even get an inch of the screen so i had to move one seat away hence (2) no one was beside me for me to rant to.

i just don't get male preference of women. i'm not saying every man but it makes up the majority. sorry to those guys who have good taste in women. good taste here means, what we ladies approve of as good taste. right girls? we know it when we see it. call me bias.. but i really think that most of our male counterparts out there are suffering what i would like to diagnose as 'bad taste syndrome'. i have encouter far too much 'eww that girl?!' moments to keep my mouth shut. i've had enough.

example one:
big boobs, big butt, big everywhere is the number one drool factor for guys. would i be speculating by saying this? nope. i don't think so. please. if you're telling me that there are guys who find small boobs and a small butt enticing, you can count the number of guys who like that. enough said. i personally don't get it. hey, i'm a girl! if i get it, i might be a little bit wrong somewhere don't you think? maybe i won't get it cause i don't find boobs and butt as appealing as the guys.

example two:
stick thin, anorexic looking girls. think jennifer garner? ooh.. she's hot one friend laments. yeah right? she's hot? she's annoying numskulled. but hey, who am i to say that she's not hot? heck. where's the appeal here? someone tell me. is it the tiny, fragile body that guys will go, 'i will protect you' to? or is it the 'girlish charm' that comes with the small, lightweight body(since it's easier for them to move around cause they have less body mass)? imagine girl prance arounds and giggles like a dimwit.

example three:
on the topic of giggling, that, i think is the most unfathomable aspect of male attraction towards the female. a personal experience shall scar me for the rest of my life.. 2 morons sitting together. guy cracks a joke that wasn't funny. at all! girl giggles like it's the funniest thing she's ever heard. can't help but picture a monkey that suffers from some kind of rabies? they continue talking. more 'jokes cracking' and 'giggling like a hyena suffering from euphoria'. guys like that. giggly girls who laugh at their jokes and think their the funniest jokers ever. if it's not funny, don't laugh. their trying too hard to be comedians when all i can see is a clown who is trying to humour.

i forget example four. thanks helaine.

example four:
it's what we call mini girls. the small, compact, petite; as they choose to believe; girls. the ones that guys go, 'ooh.. kawaii!' and girls go, 'dammit. what size does she wear? a size 5 or something?' again. i wouldn't understand.. since i'm considered 'big' in this world filled with mini girls. they never fail to make me feel like some kind of a giant. no, godzilla to be accurate. and i'm 165cm goddammit! that's not even tall mind you. and their feet?! don't get me started. it's soo tiny its so bloody irritating. at least for me who constantly face problems when buying shoes. have you seen my feet? they're like flippers. you know the ones that divers wear when they go diving. yup. not funny.

the next example is courtesy of shikin. thanks man.

example five:
innocence submission. why in the hell?! what do guys see in girls who appear 'innocent' and 'submissive'? potential wifey material maybe. someone they can bring home to. show mum and dad what a good choice they made. ha. wait till you guys get married! she won't be that innocent and submissive anymore. muahaha.. i guess they don't like being with a girl who is not-so-innocent and who is not afraid to voice out her opinions. intimidating? maybe.. think it's the male mechanism that works like this, 'girl must be demure, not bold or straight-forward and has to agree with me all the time cause im right'. they have a fix mindset what a girl is supposed to be. cmon.. we're in the 21st century! times have change guys. wake up!

p/s any more that i might left out? feel free to inform me. i'd be glad to add it on to the list.

i might sound bitter but that's the way it is.

note: i'm refering to guys as a whole here. if those of you are offended, boo hoo hoo.. go somewhere else to complain. cause you know what? deep down inside, i can guarantee you that one of these factors do apply. yes?

a dozen of eggs cost $3.50?! what the? are you kidding me? no need to buy and eat eggs! so damn expensive! can eat fish and meat instead. that was the scene in the store just now as me and granny went to our random grocery shopping. but im not going to bitch about how the price of eggs has increased trememdously since the outbreak of some chicken thingy in malaysia.

anyway, back to the topic of me and my grandma.. i have to admit that i dread the occasional trips to grocery shopping when she'll wake me up early in the morning, 'aliah, come. take me downstairs. i want to buy fruits.' just when i was about to get my beauty sleep.. just when it was meant for me slack at home and not reveal myself to the world, dear ol' grandma ask me to bring her shopping! it often takes place during the weekends or *gasp to my horror* during the hols! noo.. my precious time out from school. force.. to.. go.. grocery.. shoppin.. with.. grandma.. no.. argh.. *gets up and get ready to take her shopping* what choice do i have? who else would accompany her down? she walks in a 'drunkard' swagger. she leaves her shoes behind. she need somebody to hold her hand when she's going down the stairs. and i love her.

the point is, i may grumble and make a big fuss about not wanting to go down but i still do it. the other day, when my granny went missing after our grocery trip i panicked like hell. went searching for her. she was supposed to come up from the lift cause i wanted to put the things down first so i took the stairs instead. it was so frustrating and i feared she might fall. to my relief, there she was, talking to the auntie who feeds the cats everyday. i can't describe how it felt. but i knew that i shouldn't take things for granted and my grandmother is getting older each day. she's not going to be here forever and i don't know what will happen then. until then, i need to savour each moment i have and not let anything jeopardise what i have right now.